


a girl who will never be yours

by Katharina11



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/M, Family, Fluff, Future Fic, Hurt, Kids, Pregnancy, Smut, because sometimes we need to see a different perspective, it's worth it tho i promise, perspective change you & jessica, so much fluff ugh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-12 11:27:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18010061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katharina11/pseuds/Katharina11
Summary: His next words sound so broken, that I almost feel my heart shattering.“I just can’t lose her again.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> basically Jess lived, all four of you hunted - until things change and you have to adapt.  
> this first chapter is just an interlude to the the life - after all, when do things ever go smoothly?  
> _  
> perspectives change from you to Jessica, because with the upcoming plot, it really is necessary, trust me

Jessica’s POV

 

“Nope, scratch that one”, I tell Sam exhausted. Finding names is way more complicated than I anticipated, “I’m not gonna name our baby Brooke, definitely not.”

Sam sighs. “What’s wrong with the name _now_?”

Okay, maybe I have dismissed every single proposition he made, but they’re just all _wrong_.

“Brooke is so close to broke and… I just don’t want to curse my child, you know?”

He groans loudly in exhaustion: “Are you serious right now?”

I shrug smiling. “Step up your game, daddy.”

After a short pause, I add: “That sounded wrong. Great, the internet has ruined that word for me.”

Sam looks at me, one eyebrow raised, as if he was wondering what I am talking about. Oh, bless his innocent soul. Okay maybe not so innocent. At least he has a soul, though.

“So, my list consisted of twenty girl names and twenty-two boy names and you managed to hate them all.”

“Well, you didn’t like mine either.”

“We’re not gonna call our child after fictional characters!”, he groans again, throwing his arms up in the air.

“Sam, despite the fact that I associate these names with great characteristics, they _are_ wonderful names!”

“Oh my god, would you two just shut up?” Y/N enters the library, sitting down next to me with two bowls of ice cream in her hands. Giving one of them to me, she gives me a knowing-smile. “You’ve been arguing about names ever since you found out you’re pregnant. It’s been a week, Jess. I totally support your names, but _please,_ tone it down a notch.”

I raise an eyebrow at that: “You’re seriously telling me – a _pregnant_ woman – to ‘tone it down a notch’? Do you have a death wish?”

“Oh please, Jess”, Y/N replies just a bit amused, “You’re having a wonderful pregnancy. You have the whole pregnancy-glow going on and wake up every morning feeling awesome? Me? I have puked every morning for two weeks straight now. My appetite has increased by like a thousand – I have to go and pee every fifteen minutes. And my boobs have _grown_?? I didn’t even know that was possible anymore.”

“Can’t say I’m complaining”, Dean shouts from the kitchen and none of us can suppress a laugh.

Y/N rolls her eyes, continuing: “Anyway, what I wanted to say is that sometimes, I really need to sleep sometimes. I’m only some weeks into this pregnancy and I am _exhausted_. So, just argue more silently. That’s all I’m asking. It’s bad enough I can’t drink too much tea or coffee. I mean, can you believe there is such a thing as _too much tea_??”

“Don’t talk to me about this, Sam is making follow every health rule there is to being pregnant.” I give him a pointed look. “But talking about names, why aren’t you and Dean arguing about it? I mean, with you both being so competitive, there’s no way you’re not setting heaven and hell in motion for your name to win.”

She gives me a knowingly smile, and I realize she as something up her sleeve. My grin only gets wider, and out of the corner of my eyes I see Sam shaking his head slightly.

At the smell of food, I lift my head, just in time to see Dean entering with a plate of noodles and what I suppose must be tomato-cream sauce. Oh god, it smells like heaven.

He kisses Y/N on the cheek, before placing the plate in front of here.

“Here ya go, babe.”

My gaze returns to Sam in a pleading manner. It takes some seconds for him to catch up.

“What do you want?”, he sighs in defeat.

“The same thing but with meat in it.”

Dean looks at me in a proud manner, but when he gets a bitch-face from Y/N, he defends himself: “Not saying that you need meat in it, sweetheart. It’s just as delicious this way.”  
Her gaze is locked on him and intense for some seconds, before she laughs out loud, wholeheartedly.

“Dean, I’m pregnant, no monster. You don’t need to act so strange around me. It’s about eight more months of this, so buckle up, Winchester. You, just the way you are, is what I’ve been drawn to for over a decade – it won’t change now.”

“I love you, you know that?”

“Oh, who wouldn’t? I mean, I’m the best wife. But I do love you, too, Winchester.”

Smiling, I look at Sam again.

“As I was saying, with meat in it. Oh, and bring me cranberry juice when you’re at it.”

After giving me a peck on the lips, he laughs: “You’re gonna exploit being pregnant, won’t you?”

“And you’re gonna enjoy every second of it”, I tell him with a smirk on my lips.

Once Sam is preparing my food, I return to the earlier conversation with my best friend: “So, Dean, have you thought about any names?”

“It’s been a few weeks now, I’m still trying to wrap my head around the pregnancy itself. But no matter what, our baby girl will have the most gorgeous name.”

Before I can reply to that, Y/N cuts in: “Wait, why do you think it’s a girl?”

Dean shrugs. “I just know it.”  
“Well, I say it’s a boy.” After some seconds she adds: “And I’m right.”

Oh boy, this is not gonna end pretty. With those two, everything turns into a challenge.

“Oh, Y/N, and how is it that you are able to know it, but I can’t?”

“Well, if you haven’t noticed, he’s growing inside me. Of course I know that he’s a boy. I’m his mother after all.”

The tension between them is so thick, that I think about excusing myself and heading towards the kitchen, but the scene that enfolds itself in front of me is just too entertaining. I wish I had popcorn right now.

If two _normal_ people had challenged each other, they’d be looking at each other stern and not amused at all.

But since it’s Y/N and Dean, they share a smirk that tells it all. Both of them love being right and winning, so it’s more of a game to them. Doesn’t mean they don’t take it serious – as I said, both of them are dying to win.

“It is on, Winchester.”

“Yeah it is, Winchester.”

 

Two months later Y/N and I are finally able to get ultrasound appointments to find out then sex and as it turns out, we’re not gonna welcome two babies into the Winchester family in six months.

It’s gonna be three. My best friend is carrying twins.

Firstly, we were shocked, but Doctor Keegan explained that it’s usual for one baby to be overseen the first ten weeks.

Sam and I were told that we’re gonna have a baby girl. And I haven’t been able to wash the smile off my face since – neither has Sam. It feels too good to be true. Especially since Y/N is pregnant with a boy and a girl – which means our girls will definitely be besties. Scratch that, all three of them will be best friends.

Oh, and the best of all?

I’m marrying Sam Winchester.

No biggie.

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Your POV

“Have you heard yet that Lea’s husband cheater on her?”, you gossip to Jess, who’s currently sitting opposite of you.  
“Oh god, really? Well, he never could control where his eyes wandered.”  
Jessica takes another sip out of her tea and you continue: “Well, yesterday I went to dinner with her – because let’s be honest, she really needed someone to talk to and I am just such a nice person.”  
She interrupts: “You’re trying to get our kids into her private school, Y/N.”  
“Yeah, that may have influenced my decision just the slightest. Anyway, we went to this restaurant and she got drunk. She had like three glasses of wine, I just thought that everything would be fine. Anyway, she started talking about how she should’ve done the same – and that there were so many fine men she could pursue now. And you know what she said then? She fucking talked to me about my husband. About how sexy he is and that she’s been crushing on him since forever. And that he might leave me for her. Can you believe it? I doubt she can remember, because she was drunk off her ass – but seriously, she went on about it for about fifteen minutes.”  
Jess looks at you wide-eyed: “Seriously?”  
You simply nod, taking a sip of your peppermint tea.  
“But I wouldn’t think about it too much. I mean, sure, she’s a bitch and we’re not gonna invite her anymore – but Dean would never cheat on you. So, since we want to get into this school, tone the territorial side down.”  
A smirk appears on your face: “Oh, I thought it was just me who was – might I quote - ‘obsessed with this school’, but now we want to get them in there?”  
“You know what I mean, Y/N”, she replies, rolling her eyes.  
“Well, do you want to know what happened after I finally got her to shut up about Dean?”, it’s a rhetorical question, because you are about to tell her, “She started talking about Sam.”  
“Oh no, she didn’t.”  
Jess’s bitch mode is on in full motion.  
“Let’s take that bitch out.”  
“Mommy, what’s a ‘bitch’?”, Mary stands in the door frame, wearing her daddy’s flannel. She loves those.  
“Oops”, Jess says and you share a worried look.  
“Dean’s so gonna kill me”, you mumble towards your best friend, before you turn to your daughter.  
“Oh, that’s just…”  
“The name for a female dog”, Alec comes in the room, “Daddy explained it to me last week.”  
Jess can’t contain her laughter. “You two are so made for each other”  
“Lilly is napping on the couch”, Alec informs you, before he makes his way to you and sits down on your lap. He’s such a momma’s boy, that cutie.  
“What can I say? She truly is my daughter, in every aspect”, Jess declared lovingly.  
Your gaze returns to the little blonde girl still standing far away, her green eyes locked on your driveway.  
“Mary, c’mere. Daddy will be home any second now. Once Lilly is awake, we can play a game, how does that sound?”  
She glances once more at the window, before she sits down next to you, taking a sip out of your tea cup.  
“Hey! That’s mine”, you tell her jokingly, “You could’ve asked and we’d have made you your own one.”  
“But Daddy also always drinks out of your cup”, she informs you seriously.  
In Marissa’s eyes, Dean is the definition of everything that’s good. She seems like the cutest little girl ever, but whenever she sees her father prepping for a hunt and training, she goes into full power mode. For quite some time she actually called you ‘sweetheart’ instead of ‘mom’, because that’s what Dean does all the time. You love your girl to death, just like the rest of your family. You just fear that she will somewhen take up hunting. Because if she really wants to, you will encourage her. With her father’s and your DNA and the stubbornness, she will only do it behind your backs otherwise. And if she does put herself in danger, you want to make sure she can protect herself and you are able to be there.  
“I’m gonna wake Lilly real quick”, Jess tells you, “Otherwise she won’t sleep tonight. And I really need her to tonight.”  
Jess winks at you and you know exactly what she means. The boys don’t often take up cases anymore, with Dean owning a mechanic shop in town and Sam working part-time in a law firm, but when they do, they are gone for quite some time.  
As if on cue, you hear the Impala rumble in the driveway, announcing their return.  
“Be back in a sec, Lilly won’t forgive me if she’s not awake for Sam’s return.”

 

Jessica’s POV

To say things are good would be an understatement. It’s wonderful. Not living in constant fear of our lives, not worrying about your loved ones on a daily basis.  
It’s normal. And normal is good.  
After the kids were born, we all sat down and talked about the next steps. The lifestyle we lived before – in the bunker, constantly out hunting – it’s just not kid-friendly, no matter how much John Winchester might have believed that. So, we moved to the next small city, close enough to the bunker to go back, far away to start our new life.  
Besides, I have a beautiful daughter. Brown hair, brown eyes – just like her dad. And she’s the cutest, so curious – always asking questions and trying to find out more. And always so eager to nap.  
I shake her lightly, to get her to waken up.  
“Sweetie, Daddy is home.”  
Half asleep, she rubs the sleep out of her eyes and yawns. After some more seconds she finally gets up and grabs my hand.  
“Come on”, I lead the way towards the main entrance and out of the corners of my eyes see the smile spread over her face when reality hits her that her father is finally here today. Of course, the boys are not hunting as much anymore as they used to and Y/N and I barely tag along anymore, but even that seems too much by now. The kids start asking questions and I fear that one day we can’t escape them anymore. We definitely have to sit down together later on and discussion that issue.  
Once Sam and Dean enter, they are attacked by the little ones. God, I love my life.


	3. Chapter 3

Jessica’s POV

 

“The funeral will be held on Friday”, I inform Mr. and Mrs. Greer, our next-door neighbors. They express their condolences, but to be honest, it doesn’t seem like enough. I guess it never will.

For the last two days all I’ve done is cry and shout and all I’ve heard is people telling me how it’s gonna get better. It’s not. It doesn’t feel like it.

I _knew_ it. One and a half weeks ago, when we all talked about quitting the hunting life completely, and we compromised on one last hunt, I knew it was a bad idea. And I hate to be right on this wrong.

Because even if I’ve faced death so many times in all these years, even if I’ve seen people die again and again, even if I’ve seen the people I love die again and again, I never prepared for one of them staying death.

_“The kids are upstairs”, Y/N informs the three of us, when she reenters the kitchen, “I’ve put on Frozen, that should keep them interested long enough.”_

_She sits down next to me, facing Dean._

_“Alright, we need to talk about hunting”, I start with the actual discussion, “I think it’s time to stop.”_

_So, there is it. I’m actually pretty proud of myself for being so forward and not stumbling over my words._

_“I don’t know...”, Dean trails off, “I mean, we’ve toned it down as far as we can. We can’t just ignore all the bad things that happen out there.”_

_“Don’t look at it as ignoring the mass, but as focusing on your own life”, I explain calmly. If I just went straight in and started a heated discussion, we’d get nowhere. No, this needs to be done right._

_“I see both your points”, Y/N chimes in, “But Dean, I can’t say I wouldn’t prefer having you home safe all the time. Especially now that the kids are starting to ask more questions.”_

_Dean wants to say something, but Sam is quicker: “I actually agree with you.”_

_“Wait, what?” Dean looks a bit taken a back at that and I can’t say I’m not shocked, either. I didn’t think it would be this easy._

_“Really?” My voice if filled with hope, but I can’t stop it. Just thinking about getting out of this life once and for all seems too good to be true. It somehow always finds a way to drag you back in and we have to stop before we give it a chance to do just that._

_“Really”, he assures me smiling, “Because as much as I love coming home to you, I love never leaving even more.”_

_I could swoon at his words, it is just too sweet._

_“So babe”, Y/N starts, “What do you say? Can you imagine laying off hunting?”_

_He looks at her for some seconds, before sighing. “I don’t know. It just… it seems a bit selfish.”_

_“Then be selfish. You’ve deserved it. If anyone on this whole planet has the right to be selfish, than it’s you. All you’re life you’ve sacrificed so much for everyone else. Don’t you think it’s your turn to do what you want?”_

_Sam nods along Y/N’s words: “Dean, she’s right. We’ve been fighting for over forty years now. If somewhen there is a big tread that no one else can handle, we can always step in. But the cases? Maybe we should other hunters take over.”_

_Y/N scans Dean’s expression, before talking again: “You’re not letting anyone down, babe. You gotta stop thinking about it like that.”_

_“Alright, we can lay down for a while”, Dean’s gaze is locked with Y/N’s, who has a wide smile smeared across her face, eventhough he only said ‘for a while’, “But if somebody specifically asks for our help, I’m not gonna deny that.”_

_Okay, that was easier than I imagined. I thought the discussion would take days, if not even weeks, before we could find a compromise._

_Sam smiles at me and I do the same, taking his hand in mine._

_“What about one last hunt? For old time’s sake”, Dean proposes and I groan internally, “Just a salt-n-burn. One last good deed before we settle down, huh?”_

_“Okay”, Y/N agrees and I look at her wide-eyed. It just doesn’t seem like a good idea to me._

_“One last hunt”, Sam nods along and I can’t help but shake my head._

_“Come on, guys. Why do you need a last one? Can’t the one you’ve just been on, not be the last one?”_

_“But one as a group”, Dean explains, “To celebrate our last fifteen years, so to say.”  
“Well, I know about a thousand better ways to celebrate it. And someone needs to watch the kids.”_

_“We could always get a babysitter for a few days”, Sam offers._

_“That’s a horrible idea, Sam”, Y/N laughs, “How are you gonna explain it? And do you seriously believe the kids won’t ask any questions? Alec will be on us in no time. That boy is too smart for his own good.”  
“All his mother”, Dean says with a smirk._

_“Well, it’s definitely not from his father”, Sam trails off grinning and at that Dean hits him playfully and mutters a ‘jerk’. Sam replies with a ‘bitch’. Typical._

_“Okay, you guys really want to do one last hunt?”, I ask once again, trying not to sound too negative. I just can’t shake this feeling._

_“What do you say, sweetheart? Shall we gank one last monster?”, Dean looks at Y/N in adoration and she nods slowly._

_“Sam, you in?”, he turns to his brother next and Sam looks at me for assurance. Of course I don’t want him to go. But if this means he’ll be done with hunting once and for all, he can do it. He doesn’t have to, but if he wants to accompany those two, he’s free to do so._

_Once I nod, he agrees and they start discussing the case. It seems like Jody called Sam some days prior and asked for help on a vamp case._

Looking back, I should’ve stopped it right then and there. The second I got word that it wasn’t just a simple salt and burn, I should’ve told them to let it alone. Maybe then the three of us wouldn’t have had to plan a funeral.

_I’ve been sitting in the same spot for hours now. The children are in bed since 8 PM, when I finally managed to get them to sleep. Lilly and Mary fell asleep quick enough, but Alec wouldn’t budge. He insisted on waiting for his parents and giving him the pictures he drew of them himself. He only agreed on sleeping, if I let him talk to his mother before he fell asleep. When I didn’t reach her, I tried Sam and Dean, but with all three of them it went straight to voicemail.  
“Sweetie, they’re probably having service problems, but I promise you I’ll wake you up the second they get home, alright?”, I told him with a kiss to the forehead._

_“But I need to tell Mommy and Daddy that I’m sorry I can’t stay up for them”, he explained, “Mommy always stays up when Daddy gets home, there should be someone waiting for her.”  
“Well, I’m here, right? And I’ll make sure to tell her once she gets home. But you know how much she hates it when you don’t go to sleep, little fella.”_

_Alec sighed in defeat. “You’re right, Auntie. You promise to wake me up the second they get home?”_

_“Of course, baby.”_

_It’s been about six hours since then and I still can’t reach any of them. I’m getting really restless. The last time they’ve checked in was over fourteen hours ago. It was to tell me that they were going in and that they’d be home by tonight. And that I should cook for all of us. Needless to say, the kids were excited, I was relieved and all of us were left disappointed in the end._

_After another hour, I finally hear the Impala roll in the driveway and I it takes the weight off my mind. Finally. But why couldn’t they call? They didn’t realize I was left here to worry?_

_As fast as I am able to, I run to the door. My nerves get the best of me and I open the door, before they even have a chance to get out of the car._

_Once I see Sam exiting, I run to him and he catches me in a hug, holding me tighter than he has in a while and it’s only after some time that I feel tears streaming down his face and I retreat slowly, looking at him in concern._

_He simply shakes his head, unable to form a sentence and I turn my head towards the Impala to find Dean getting out of the back, eyes bloodshot and face pale. I’m taken aback by his demeanor until I realize that he’s carrying something. Or rather someone. My best friend’s lifeless body lays in his arms. I am unable to think of anything, much less say a word.  
The shock comes to a halt, when I hear a voice call: “Mommy?” from inside, followed by footsteps. Oh god, he probably heard the car._

_When I turn to Dean, the look on his face almost kills me. He’s trying so hard not to lose it right now, I can see it by the way his jaw is clenched and how tightly he’s holding his wife’s corpse. But hearing his son scream out for his mother, that’s lying dead in his arms, takes any resolve left in him with it and tears start streaming down his face._

_There doesn’t seem to be anything appropriate to say and I don’t know if I want to scream, or fall down crying. But we stay quiet. It’s too quiet, but no one dares to say anything._

_Realizing that Alec’s about to come out here, I turn around and run inside again, catching Alec just early enough before he reaches the door._

_“C’mon buddy, let’s get you into bed.” I can’t have this discussion right now. I won’t be the one to tell him._

_“I waited up for them”, Alec states, “Can we go see them now? I’ll be quick, I promise. I won’t even insist on a bedtime story.”_

_“Alec, let’s go to bed.”  
“But they’re here. Let’s just go outside.”_

_I can’t do this. I… This has to be a dream._

_Seeing me hesitate combined with the tears on my face, he falls silent for some time._

_“Is everything okay?”, he asks and I simply pick him up and start walking upstairs even though he complains, because there is no reason a five year old should be confronted with that._

_“It’s gonna be okay”, I tell him on the way to the room. But to be honest, I don’t think it will. Even from up here I can hear Dean crying, followed by shattering. He needs to keep it down or he’ll wake the girls, too._

_I guess we share that thought, because next thing I know it’s quiet._

Your POV (about thirteen hours earlier)

 

“Okay”, Jody starts, “Sam and Dean, you’ll take the back, Y/N and I will go up front. Sounds good?”  
We all nod and you share a smile with Dean. You’re gonna miss this. Sure, hunting is dangerous and all, but you totally forgot the adrenaline you’re feeling. Or the victory and power afterwards. It’s one of the best feelings in the world.

Quickly you pull your husband in for a kiss and mumble against his lips: “I love you.”

He grins at you, that boyish grin you could never grow tired of and replies: “If you say so, sweetheart.”

While the boys make their way around the building, Jody smiles at you in a knowing way.

“Something you wanna tell me?”, she asks, one eyebrow raised and a smile apparent on her face.

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, you know what I mean. I guess it’s time to say congratulation?”

She opens her arms for a hug and you lean in with a grin.

“How’d you notice? I only just realized it two days ago.”

“Yeah, but these last two days you’ve always found a way to put your hand on your belly. That’s a dead giveaway.”

You laugh at that: “Well, let’s get it over with, then we can return to this conversation.”

Jody nods in amusement and then you take off, ready to save the day once again.

 

It happened too fast. Once Jody and you were inside, you were forced to separate and after decapitating three vampires, you somehow got lost. Time flies by when hunting, and after having been on the sideline for so long, you apparently lost your ability to track the time.

Panting heavily, you turn around. The dead monsters spread across the room, blood staining your clothes. Only partly yours.

And that’s when it happens. You relax. For just a moment – but that is all it takes, right?

You celebrated victory too early, sure that this was over. The thought of going home, the chance to be a family seems so sweet. You’re no fool, you know that Dean will eventually help out on hunts, even leave for them on his own. That’s the way he was raised. But he will hold back long enough for you to have some time as a family.

Next thing you feel someone jumping on your back, pushing you to the ground ruthlessly. Your face connects to the stone cold floor and you’re sure your nose is broken and by the blood you can taste, there’s no way all of your teeth are still intact. Before you can even try to get up, your wrists are tackled above your head, with enough force that you can literally feel the bones breaking. A scream tears from you, filled with panic and pain.

You use all the strength you can gather and move your head backwards. Feeling his breath so close to your neck, you simply hope to headbutt him. There’s not much else to do, really.

The creature easily dodges your head, slamming it down once again, this time harder.

The pain is so unbearable, you can’t even scream. It just _hurts_.

You’re sure the vampire is saying something, or rather whispering it in your ear, but you’re in too much pain to understand anything.

You try once again, this time using the strength you have in your torso and legs to kick him off, but he doesn’t budge. Faintly you hear laughter.

And then, without further ado, there’s a pang in your neck. As soon as those fangs are in, they are out again. Something wet lands on your face and you realize he just spit at you.

“You hunters all taste dirty”, you hear a slurred voice.

Before you can even try to make sense of it or plan your next move, your head is once again slammed against the ground.

There’s a very short-lived moment, shortly before you die, where you realize that that’s it. When the fear hits you with full force. You are lying here, in your last seconds, and all you can think about is having someone’s hand to hold. It’s selfish, you know, but there are just so many things you have – you **need** to say before you go. And now you can’t.

You just never think there’s no time left.

They say that right before you die, you relive your entire life.  
Well, you don’t know about the norm, but for you it’s only one scene in your head that you can’t get rid of.

_“So, we’re keeping it?”, Dean asks, and you nod carefully. You’ve been having this talk for hours._

_“We should probably stop calling it ‘it’, then”, you suggest._

_He nods at that and you lean your head onto his shoulder._

_“We’re not gonna mess it up, are we?”_

_You look at him and he shakes his head: “Why would you think that? Sure, our lives might not be the best – but we can manage it. We **will** be great parents, for sure.”_

_“It’s just…”, you try to laugh the tension off, but it doesn’t really work, “It’s just something my mother told me some time ago.”_

_“Hm, what is it?”_

_Dean looks a bit concerned and you can’t say you blame him. You don’t really talk about your family anymore, not after what happened. You avoid the topic like the plague._

_“On my mother’s family, there’s just… When I went through our family history once, I realized that on her side, every woman leaves her children. Some for success, some for comfort, my mother to give us a better life. Most of them eventually return, but I couldn’t find a single one that stayed with her kids all her life. And when I talked to my mother about it, she told me that we were cursed.”_

_He laughs lightly at that: “That’s what you’re worried about? Y/N, I know you. There’s no way you’re just leaving. You wouldn’t do that. And honestly, I wouldn’t let you.”_

_You slap his shoulder playfully._

_“You really think so?”_

_“I know so”, he assures you._

You can’t stop thinking about how much you screwed up, as the life in you slowly leaves you.  
Next thing you know, everything is black.


	4. Chapter 4

Your POV

 

It’s as if you were suddenly woken up.

The tray comes down and the glasses on it shatter on the ground. But you couldn’t care less. Well, thinking about it, you actually _do_ care about why you’re suddenly dressed in a waitress outfit.

How did you come here? Where are Jessica and Dean and Sam? An-

“You feeling alright, sweetie?”, another waitress asks you, brows furrowed in concern.

“Uhm… I…” you look down at the shattered pieces. “I’m sorry about breaking this, I don’t know where my mind was.”  
_I don’t even know where I am._

“No problem, we all have our slip-ups.”

You nod slowly, still not grasping what’s happening around you.

She catches up to you confusion and adds: “Just one more thing...”

Her smile turns into something stranger and she raises her hand, touching you lightly with one finger.

“There, don’t you feel better now, Y/N?”

You smile at her wholeheartedly, answering: “Sure thing, Lisa. Sorry for the hang-up. I’ll be back behind the counter in a few.”

“Alright, I’m heading home then. Do you mind closing up?”  
You shake your head at that, it’s not like you don’t know the drill.

“No problem, see you at home, roomie?”

As soon as the word _roomie_ left your mouth, there was an urge to spit. You don’t know why the words felt like sandpaper on your tongue, because you _know_ that you have been living together since high school ended. You should probably get more sleep, your mind is already going crazy.

Before Lisa goes, she turns around one more time, smiling at you.

When you bend down to pick the shattered glass up, you think about how maybe you want to be more than a waitress. You mean, neither Lisa, nor you ever went to college. After school, you started working part-time jobs that slowly became your normal jobs and then somewhen you took over this diner. And now years have passed by. Don’t get this wrong, you love living and working with your best friend, but right now… it just feels as if you’re missing something. But you don’t know what. Just _something._

Shaking your head lightly, trying to get rid of these thoughts, you continue your work.

“Sorry, Miss, do you need a hand?”

Turning around, you are faced with an attractive man, smiling down at you.

“No problem, I’m almost finished”, you tell him, getting the last, smaller pieces, before standing up.

“I’ll be ready to serve you as soon as I get a chance to put those away.”

You awkwardly raise your hand, to emphasize the glass in your hands and add: “One sec.”

Once you return from the behind, you’re surprised to see him still standing there. You thought he’d go get a table.

“Can I be of any help?”, you offer.

“Well, may I get a coffee?”

“Sure thing, anything else?”, you ask him with a smile.

“A date with you would be nice.”

He smiles in a wicked, boyish way and it feels as if you were just kicked. You decide not to linger on that thought too long.

_Don’t think too hard about this, Y/N, you haven’t been on a date in ages. This is good._

“Well, it’d be nice to know your name first”, you flirt, trying to put on a sultry expression.

“James, my name’s James.”

“Well, James, nice to meet you, I’m Y/N.”

“A pretty name for a pretty girl.”

You blush slightly at that, pouring the coffee in his cup.

“Well James, what brings you to my diner?”, you ask, biting your lip, trying to appear a bit more sexy.

“Destiny.”

 

 

Jessica’s POV

 

I doubt I’ll ever get the image of my best friend’s burning body out of my mind. The flames licking her skin, the stink of burned meat… But the worst part was that it was her body. Not someone, anyone, but my friend, laying in front of me.

The first few days were the hardest. Dean was set on getting her back anyhow, no matter how many times Sam and I talked to him, tried to calm him down. But what can you say that will ever make it okay?

And, if I’m being honest, I didn’t care as much I should. Even though admitting it makes me a horrible person, I was willing to let him make a deal if it meant getting my best friend back. It’s not that I don’t love Dean, I do, I just love her more.

But no demon wanted to make a deal with him. No matter how many he slaughtered, how many he tortured, no one budged. I eventually joined him in his quest, when he tried witches and angels. But nothing came of that, either. It’s not like Castiel could be of great help, since his angel mojo isn’t working.

But what he _could_ do was ask other angels for help. And boy, did we not like what we found out. Because they told us that Y/N is in fact _not_ in heaven. And there’s no way she’s in hell. Just to be sure about that one, we asked Crowley. After all, that fucker owes us one. But not even he could tell us anything.

But we saw her dead body, we saw her burning. She is dead. But we can’t seem to find out where her soul has gone.

That’s where an idea pops into my head.

“Sam!” He groans in annoyance, obviously seconds away from sleep. “I think I figured it out.”  
“Great babe”, he answers absentminded.

“No Sam, I figured _it_ out. Remember when Y/N was trapped in that other universe, long after Dean and you left? What if her soul is back there?”

I know that this is not the most logical answer, but where else could she be?

He slowly sits up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“But I thought there was no magic in that world. Which means we have no clue if there even is such a thing as a heaven.”

“And even if, there’s no way of us getting there”, I sigh in frustration, “I’m sorry, it was a stupid idea.”

“No, I think it’s perfect.”

“Huh?”, I ask perplex.

Sam gulps audibly, thinking long and hard about how to form his next words: “Well, if we convince Dean of this idea, he might stop looking for her.”

I raise an eyebrow at that, he damn well knows how badly I want her back as well.

“Jessica, you see what it’s doing to our family – to all of us. I am currently caring for three children, because you and Dean can’t stop researching and hunting for the love of god. It can’t go on like this forever. Especially for Dean. You have me to bring you down, but he won’t let anyone come near to him. Not me, not you. He even flinches when he sees his kids.”

After some seconds, I sigh.

“You’re right”, I admit, “But I feel like I’m giving up on her.”

“You’re not. She is dead.” He pauses. “And you tried everything. You can’t bring her back. And do you honestly think she would want for you to live like this? Do you seriously believe that she would want her kids to grow up with a father that’s gone all the time, hunting?”

I shake my head, feeling a tear escaping my eyes.

“I’m sorry I pushed you away so much lately”, I tell Sam truthfully, “I am truly sorry.”

“It’s okay, I forgive you. Let’s concentrate on the here and now, alright? We need to get this thing working again.”

“You know I love you, right?”, I ask him, my voice laced with concern, when I realize that I haven’t told him lately. I haven’t told him a thing lately.

“I do. And I love you, too. We’re getting through this, alright? As a team.”

“It’s just so hard… I never thought I’d lose any of you permanently. We always come back, _always.”_

“We can’t keep holding on to false hope, it’s tearing us apart.”

“I know. I just… I miss her.”

 

 

Dean’s POV

 

“I’m sorry, _what?_ I must’ve not understood you correctly, because you wouldn’t be suggesting what I think you are.”

“It makes sense, Dean. Think about it, where else could she be? She’s not in heaven, not in hell, not in purgatory – no one can find her. Maybe… maybe someone messed things up and she ended up there.”

“That can’t be!”, I exclaim enraged.

 _No._ No way. That would mean I couldn’t do anything about it. Because how the hell am I supposed to get to that universe? We only got her back all those years ago by mistake.

“And why not?”, Jessica asks raising her voice.

I want to tell her to keep her voice down, that she has no reason to become so upset, but I just don’t have it in me.

The possibility of her being out of reach, drains me more than I thought possible. Not only that I have no way of getting her back, but I’ll never really see her again.  
These last weeks I lived with the knowledge that if everything went south, at least I’d get to share a heaven with her. Because that’s what soulmates do.

But her being somewhere completely else? No. I refuse to believe that.

“Because I can’t reach her there!”, my voice is flat, but loud enough to let Sop flinch.

“Dean”, Sam chimes in, “We tried it all. You have to think about the present. _Your kids._ ”

Now it’s may turn to flinch.

I’m painfully aware of how much of a screwup I have been lately, but as long as Y/N comes back to me, it’ll be okay. I will be okay. We can fix this together.

“She’s not coming back”, Sam emphasizes.

“What do the both of you think, just giving up on her? Do you think she’d give up on you, ever?”

My body trembles with anger and grieve and I don’t know which one I feel more. Eyeing my brother and his wife, I see a few tears on her face. _Good._

“Do you think she’d want for you to turn into Dad, huh?”, Sam asks and I feel my jaw clenching. That’s a line he knows he shouldn’t be crossing.

He opens his mouth to say something, but I cut him off before he even has the chance to do so: “Sam, you go on with this and I’m going break your nose.”

Jessica steps forward, trying to be brave.

“Dean, listen to reason. You are hurting yourself and everyone around you.”

I’m about to tell her off, tell her how she can suck it – because, let’s face it, she has no right to tell me anything. Not when she still has everything and I barely know how to breathe. It’s been too long, I just need to know she’s okay. If nothing else, I need to know she’s okay. And I can’t even do that. Damn me for not being able to protect her, to find her. To do anything, in fact.

I’m ripped from this trail of thought, when I hear footsteps approaching from above. I can’t deal with anything else right now. So, without saying anything, I turn around and head to the Impala, ignoring their words. I need to clear my head right now. Find out what to do.

 

 

 

 

Jessica’s POV

 

It’s been six months now. Six months, five days and thirteen hours, to be exact.  
And it hurts still. Anyone who tells you that grieve passes, lies. It doesn’t. Each day you’re painfully reminded of the person missing from your life. It’s mostly the little moments.

“Lilly, are you excited baby?”, I ask her, wondering why I can’t find any motivation. Today is the kid’s first day of school, after all.

“Sure I am momma”, she says smiling, “I’m just a little bit worried about Mary and Alec. I think they’re planning something.”

Oh, my little cutie. She’s way too perceptive for her own good.

“Why’d you think that?”

“Well, since we saw Mrs. Huber sneaking out of Uncle Dean’s room… they just seemed off.”

Oh yeah, that. ‘Mrs. Huber’ is Lea, aka the principal of their private school. And Dean?

Well… about three months ago it just stopped. I guess he finally realized that he really can’t bring Y/N back. But instead of concentrating on his life and trying to get it back together, he started drowning his feelings. He started drinking again. The first few weeks were the worst, when he would drink so much that neither Sam nor I knew what to do.

I mean, grieve or not, he’s a father! He can’t ignore that, and he surely can’t let Sam and me take care of all of his problems. We’ve been having enough of those on our own.

When the excessive drinking was turned down a notch, he started drowning his feelings in women. He showed all the typical Dean-Winchester-signs of grieve I’ve seen before, when he doesn’t let anyone near him.

“Oh, I’m sure they’re not planning on anything”, I tell her, “They’re probably just upset.”

“Would you talk to them, mommy? Please. I don’t want them to get in trouble on the first day.” After some seconds she adds: “Then all the teachers would associate me with trouble. And really, I haven’t done everything wrong.”

“Yeah, I’ll talk to them. Can you go wake Daddy? I’m sure he’ll love being woken up by his favorite girl. I’ll take care of the breakfast.”

I won’t lie, life could definitely be better. But at least I have my family around me.

 

 

Y/N’s POV

 

“Nah, I don’t have any family to invite”, you tell James, “My parents died a few years back and I’m an only child. Next best thing I have to a sister is Lisa.”

He laughs at that, shaking his head slightly.

“Well, who do you want to invite then to your birthday party?”

“I told you already, I don’t need one!”

You smile at him, stealing a quick kiss.

“I’m not buying that for one minute. As your boyfriend, it is my duty to take care of such things.”

“Well, I’m happy with just having dinner and enjoying ourselves.”

He shakes his head. “Y/N, this has to be big. It’s your birthday after all.”

You suppress the urge to tell him to mind his own business. Don’t know where that snarkiness came from. After all, he’s doing it for you. You hope so at least.

“I have to get ready”, you tell him and he nods absentminded, “I promised Lisa to take care of the diner today. She hasn’t had a day off in forever.”

“Sure thing, babe.”

You have an uneasy feeling, but no clue as to why.

“What day is it today?”

“The fifth of August.”

You think about it for some seconds.

“Is anything important happening today?”, you ask him confused, still not knowing why you’re feeling off.

“Not that I know off, why?”

“I don’t know, just a feeling.” You shake your head lightly, putting on a smile.

“I’ll see you later, babe.”


	5. Chapter 5

Jess’s POV

 

I’m not gonna lie, these last few months have been some of the worst I’ve ever had. Mainly because I didn’t feel like I had a team anymore. Everybody drifting apart, lost in their own thoughts. But I think it’s getting better now.

My best friend is something we’re slowly coming to terms with. At least we can speak about it without shutting down. The kids are realizing that (y/n) will not come back. Sam and I are able to face our own problems again, not having to focus on everyone else. And Dean? Well, I guess in his messed-up ways, he’s also getting better. Not good, but better. At least he stopped excessive drinking.

Looking at my husband, I realize that I can be eternally grateful for him and everything he’s done for me.

I just fear that it might be a bit too late for that. He doesn’t admit it, but I feel him pulling away. He hugs me lighter, he touches me less and he looks at me without that spark. I fear that I might’ve pushed him too far. That maybe we’re in a place of no return.

I shake my head, trying to get rid of these ugly thoughts inside my head. That’s nothing that should be concerning me as much as it is.

But when I turn my head and look at him, I can’t help wondering what he’s thinking. It’s always been so easy for us to be there for each other, because we understood each other. Through everything we always had each other. Because we knew. What it feels like to lose people you love, why family is so important. I used to be able to read his thoughts like they were on display. And now I can’t even tell if he’s happy or not.

I can guess, but I don’t know. And it’s slowly, but surely, driving me insane.

 

 

 

 

 

“Don’t forget her piano lessons tomorrow at 6, aright?”, I tell Sam, who’s leaning against the doorframe.

“Sure thing, I’ll drop her at on Sunday at 5?”, he asks cautiously.

“That’s good. Just make sure she doesn’t stay up too late, she’s always found some way lately to stay awake. She’s getting pretty sneaky.”

Although she has given me a few restless nights lately, I can’t help but grin. She’s truly her parents’ daughter.

He nods, also smiling, and turns around to leave, before a thought crosses my mind.

“Wait, Sam!” I take a few steps forward, so I can whisper. “Lilly told me that she wants to go to Hawaii for her birthday next week.”

After some seconds I add: “All three of us.”  
There’s silence for a bit, before he talks: “We could ask Dean and Olivia if they want to join. Make it a family trip.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

_No, it was not._

“Well, ‘till Sunday then.”

“Yeah, till then.” I turn towards the car, seeing Lilly in the front seat, playing with her Nintendo. “Love you, baby!”

Sam turns around out of reflexes and I can’t help but flinch when I see it out of the corner of my eyes. It’s been too long.  
“Love you, too, Momma!”

Sam drives off and suddenly the ground seems to pull me in. It’s just so quiet without my family around.

Sam and I tried, we really did. But it just didn’t work anymore. Sure, there was occasional fighting, but that was not what blew it.

The worst thing was the silence between us. Not knowing what to say, not wanting to say anything, while still feeling like that was not enough.

_I was always so quick to push him away, so eager to let him do the same to me._

“Guess things haven’t been that great, lately, huh?”

I flinch when I hear someone next to me, having been way too deep in my own thoughts. 

“Hey Dean.”

Looking at him, I see a hint of guilt there. I guess he never completely stopped blaming himself. When Sam and I broke up, he always insisted that we could try again – that he would stop pushing so hard and that he would go away for some time, letting us be alone together. But being alone together was all we really were that time. Together, but alone.

“It’s been better”, I admit with a sigh, “But at least Lily’s good.”

“Yeah, well, ever the optimistic one. Must’ve gotten that one from you.”

I cross my arms in front of my chest and the tiles on the ground suddenly seem very interesting.

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that one”, I mumble, before I catch myself. _Get a grip._

“Do you wanna come in for a drink?”, I offer, with the hint of a smile.

With his reflexes, he must’ve realized what trail of thoughts I almost followed, but he chooses to ignore it. Thank god.

“Sure. You still got beer in your household, right?”

“My last name is Winchester. Having beer in the fridge comes as a responsibility with that name.”

He laughs at that, and so do I. It feels good to joke again. It’s been so strict and orderly lately.

 

 

“No, no they’re fine. The twins are getting restless this time of the year, though”, he tells and takes a sip of his beer, “They insist on doing something big.”

“You mean, instead of trying to kill Olivia?”

We both have to laugh at that. Well, neither Mary nor Alec like Dean’s girlfriend. Never have, and as far as I know them, never will.

Neither of them liked Dean’s hookups, but they could live with it, because they never had to meet anyone or interact with them. But about two years ago Dean started dating Olivia.

And Mary and Alec can’t stand her. Well, in the beginning it was only Mary who rebelled. Losing her father to a strange woman was not something she was willing to do. And let me tell you, Mary has inherited the sneakiness and pettiness from her mother. That girl can be very mean if she intends to be so. Alec, on the other hand, stayed calm. Until Dean let Olivia move in with them after ten months. And Mary’s handiwork combined with Alec’s intellect… I’m surprised Olivia didn’t run asap.

But after all, maybe it’s really for the best. Dean is feeling better; the kids are coming to terms with the… new situation. And Olivia is nice. Not my best friend, but she is growing on me. At least I’m starting to see her less as Dean’s (y/n) replacement and more like a human being.

“We’ve come a long way, huh?”, Dean asks with a smile on his lips.

“We sure have”, I answer, “Life has been hard but we’re getting through it.”

“Do you remember that one night (y/n) made us take all those ridiculous photos when the kids were little?” He laughs at the memory and I do, too.

When we were trying to get our kids in a private school, we had to submit photos and write an application. Well, (y/n) went a little too far with the photos. She even made all of us wear matching pajamas with little reindeers and Santa Clauses on them. The kids loved it and the adults, well… (y/n) sure knew how to convince people.

“Of course, that’s probably the most awkward photos of us. Do you remember that one with the penguin?”

“Still can’t believe we broke into a zoo at night”, I tell him in between laughs.

“Well, she did know how to get what she wanted.”

 

 

Your POV

 

“Yeah, no problem, it doesn’t matter anyway”, you tell James, shrugging it off. He’s right, you shouldn’t be pushing this topic as much as you are.

It’s just that you’ve been feeling like this is not enough lately. Well, not just lately, but it’s definitely gotten worse.

“Glad to hear we agree on that one”, he replies, sounding static.

You smile at him, but no matter how hard you try, it doesn’t quiet reach your eyes.

_Stop being so ungrateful, (y/n). He doesn’t have to carter to your every wish. You’re being selfish._

“Oh, and (y/n)?”

You look up at him, while he makes his way out of the diner.

“I’ve invited the boys over tonight, please cook something nice. Love you.”

“Yeah, you too.”

When he leaves the diner, you feel relieved. You know you shouldn’t, it’s bitchy and wrong. But… oh, you don’t know. Must be the sleep deprivation you had these last days. For some reason you can’t seem to fall asleep, unless you’re dead-tired. Which really sucks. Your mood is down and you’re so unfriendly all of the time. It’s almost as if you’re not yourself.

Thinking about unfriendly, maybe you should finally talk to Lisa. She’s been such a bitch lately.

Woho, okay, you don’t know where that kind of language came from. She may have been acting unfriendly, but not… not that.

It just seems like you’re bothering her and that feeling gets stronger every day. You’re not even sure she wants to continue managing the diner, she’s always so cranky and ready to snap at everyone and everything. You really don’t know where this is coming from.

Since there are no guests there, you decide on working on the shopping list. Alright, you definitely need more potatoes, oh and toasts. And pie… _pie._

There’s something about it, but you can’t quite reach it in your mind. You know it’s there, but... it’s not near enough.

You shake your head lightly, trying to sort your thoughts, but you can’t quite forget that lingering thought.

Pie… _pie… **pie.**_

It’s so close now that you can almost taste it. Pie. Whiskey. Whiskey. Pie.

_Dean._

Your eyes widen instantly, as you suddenly see a face in your mind.

Your hand grasps the table next to you, as you need all your strength to keep you up. This feels like a déjà-vu.

“(y/n), I’m heading home. Do you mind closing up?”

Lisa’s voice cuts through your thoughts and you turn around, wide-eyed.

“This…”

“Oh, not again.”

You swear you see her rolling her eyes, before she mumbles something underneath her breath. _What’s going on?_ You look around frantically and when your gaze returns to her, you see her rais-

“No, no problem. I don’t mind closing up.”

“Great. Bye.”

With that she’s gone, leaving you all alone in the diner.


	6. Chapter 6

Dean’s POV

 

“I’m gonna be back in a couple of days, max”, I tell Olivia over breakfast, sending her a wink. I can’t help thinking about how easy this is. Almost too easy.

“Alright, are you going to call when you are at Bobby’s?”

Right there, that’s unnecessary. And overbearing, to be honest.

“Sure.”

“So, Jessica is gonna take the kids for the next few days, right?”, she asks with a smile and I groan internally. Is she being serious right now? My eyebrows shoot up, but she doesn’t get the hint, not retreating her question. Alright then.

“You can always ask her for help, but I actually thought you’d be taking care.”

“Oh, I just… I’m not so good with your kids.”

_It’s not as if you’re trying._

I bite my tongue, hindering myself from saying what’s on my mind. I can’t have a discussion right now. Lately the need to distance myself from her has grown.

She just does things _wrong_. I thought it would pass, I really did. That I wouldn’t always be hung upon how things used to be. But now she’s just always saying the wrong words and… she’s just not what I am used to.

Before I get the chance to go on with my thoughts, I hear Mary’s unmistakable footsteps.

Once she comes in eyesight, I extend my arms, ready to catch her in a hug.

“There’s my favorite girl!”, I tell her with a smile once I’m holding her, “You alright, Mary?”

“Of course I am, Daddy! Can I come with you?”

She looks at me with the puppy eyes she got from her mother, and I’m about to tell her that she can have whatever she wants, when Olivia talks first: “But Mary, we’re going to have so much fun together!”  
Mary suddenly gets a serious expression, turning her head to Olivia she answers: “It’s Marissa. I told you so.”

Oh yeah, Mary insists on Olivia calling her Marissa. Something about her not having earned the right to call her Mary. Her mother’s daughter through and through.

Then she turns around to me again. “Daddy, just stay for a few more hours. We’ll get ice cream with Alec and then you can go, alright?”  
She leans forward, whispering in my ear: “I even promise not to spit in Olivia’s ice cream this time.”

I laugh at that, holding her tighter.  
“Sure Mary, but I really need to leave tonight, alright?”

“Okay, Daddy.”  


 

I eventually leave at five pm. But I don’t regret staying longer. Not when I could spend the time with my children.

“Yeah, I’m on my way home right now”, I tell Sam over the phone.

“Did you get all the books?”

“Sam, I just drove five hours to get seven goddamn books. Trust me, I counted them.”  
He chuckles lightly at the other end of the line.  
“Are you gonna find a motel to sleep?”, he asks then.

“Nah, just a coffee and I’ll be back on the road. I don’t feel comfortable leaving the kids with Olivia for too long…”  
Sam lets out a short laugh at that, which leaves me confused.  
“Oh, you don’t need to worry about that Dean, Alec and Mary are with Jess, Olivia dropped them there around the same time I brought Lilly back. Jess didn’t look too pleased at that.”

“Ah, what are you talking about, my children are a blessing.”

We both chuckle at that, because let’s face it, they can keep you up. And with them as a team, they can annoy anyone to death.

“No, she was upset because Olivia didn’t tell her beforehand. Said that she talked about it with you and that you had taken care of it.”

“Great.” I shake my head at that, unwilling to accept that she would go behind my back with this.

“Well, Sam, I’m about to get that coffee, I’ll call you later. Oh, and by the way we need to talk about you talking about a divorce.”

“That’s the next logical step, Dean”, he says with an annoyed voice that only succeeds in making me more annoyed. Jerk.

He’s been tiptoeing around the topic, never actually telling Jessica what he really wants to say. Which is bullshit, because if I’ve learned one thing these past years, it’s that you find out who you want to spend the rest of your life together and you scream it out in the world. And then you don’t screw up and get her killed.

“That doesn’t mean you should do it. You’ve been way too rational about this, Sammy. Seriously, let go. For once in your life, you need to let it all out.”

“I don’t know about that, Dean.”

“Well I do, so stop acting like a brat and start appreciating what you still have.”

It’s silent for a few second, before I tell him: “Well, this is it. Imma get myself a coffee. Bye Sammy.”

I decide to leave the phone in the car, not wanting to talk to anyone right now. I don’t need to hear Sam tiptoeing around anything again, or Olivia complaining about the kids, or anyone wanting anything. Right now, I just want to be alone with my thoughts. And maybe imagine what life could’ve been like if I wasn’t that much of a screw-up.

Eyeing the façade, I think twice about entering. The get up looks really shabby and it’s surprising that the lights inside are even on. I can’t imagine anyone entering it by their own free will.

“Well, let’s get that coffee”, I mutter to myself, taking a few big steps towards the entrance.

When I pull the door open, I am greeted with the smell of coffee and something else, that I can’t quite place. I turn around, trying to scan the place.

“Oh, hey, I was just about to close up. Lucky you, I guess”, I hear someone mutter behind me and I can’t help but freeze in my spot, “Can I bring you anything?”

This can’t be. This is my imagination running wild.

This can’t be the all too familiar voice I’ve been dying to hear. It’s not possible.

Slowly I turn around and I can’t breathe. All the air is suddenly sucked right out of my lungs, leaving me wide-eyed and panicked.

“Wha-(y/n)?”

“I’m sorry, do I know you?”

 

 

 

_About 15 hours earlier_

“This is no permanent solution, Crowley.”

“Well, that’s because it’s no supposed to be!”, the man raised his voice, yelling the last part, “We almost got her where we want to. Just a little more and it’s done.”

It was dark outside and with no source of light, normal humans wouldn’t have been able to make much out. But she was no regular human, although she did possess a meatsuit at this time.

“It’s been three years now, king. How much longer is it supposed to take?”

“Well, if I knew, I wouldn’t need you darling as a protegee, now would I?”, his tone seemed to get softer, but there was an underlying threat. As if for her not to raise her voice or dare to doubt his intentions.

“I just…” Looking at her king, she knew she had to choose her following words carefully. “I just think that her soul not being broken might have something to do with her always remembering stuff. I’ve had to reset her a dozen times now, already. How is she supposed to break, when she always gains hope?”  
“Hm, that’s actually not such a bad idea, pet.”

Zeral suppresses the urge to show her pride, instead focusing on not screwing up and being toasted, like the demon that inherited the body before her. He played the role as ‘Lisa’ for the shortest time.

“I will get some more information on a permanent spell, you keep an eye on that soul. Remember, it’s worth gold. You’re replaceable, she’s not.”

The demon nods at that, thinking long and hard about her next move. She wasn’t allowed to leave yet, so she stayed.

“Oh, and Zeral? Do continue the physical torture as well. Sure, it’s most likely we get the power of her soul by psychological damage, but we need to make sure, don’t we?”

The demon nods and Crowley lets out a short laugh. “Well, you should return to the subject then.”


	7. Chapter 7

(y/n)’s POV

 

You play with the keys in your hand, trying to figure out if you should head home now. Of course you I dislike staying here when it’s dark outside, but you really dread going home. For some reason you do not feel comfortable there anymore. The sheer presence of James makes your skin crawl. He’s been so distant lately and you fear him breaking things off. You know, instead of worrying, you should work on your relationship. But he’s gone so often that it’s hard for you to get a chance to talk to him. And you fear that talking will push him further away. You just want everything to stay the way it is. Calm, constant an-

The bell tells you that there’s a costumer. Looking up, you are faced with the back of a middle-aged man.

“Oh, hey, I was just about to close up. Lucky you, I guess.” You see him freezing in his spot, before his posture straightens just a bit. “Can I bring you anything?”

He turns around slowly and for a hot moment you’re sure something bad is going to happen. _Oh my god, is this a robbery?_

But when his eyes simply widen, you let yourself relax. He probably just had too much to drink or is too tired. No alarm required. Not that you have any, it never really became an issue. Or well… you actually don’t know why you don’t have an alarm. You guess that’s just the way things are.

“Wha-(y/n)?”

“I’m sorry, do I know you?”, you ask him, your voice slightly worried. He seems a bit out of it. And the fact that he knows your name doesn’t make him appear trustworthy.

He simply continues to stare at you and you grow insecure.

“(y/n)?”, he repeats himself.  
“That’s my name, yes. But I don’t remember meeting you, sorry. Can I bring you anything?”, you try to change topics, but his eyes continue to pierce through you. What’s going on with him?

Before you can ask him again, he hugs you tightly, tighter than you’ve probably ever been held. He must’ve run towards you, because one second, he was just standing there and then suddenly he was right in front of you.

You’re not sure about what to do next, because even if you wanted to, you wouldn’t be able to get out of his grasp. He lays his face in the crook of your neck, and even though you don’t hear anything, you can feel hot tears trailing down his face, falling on your skin. What is going on with him? You are 100 percent sure that you do not know him, so how come he’s convinced he does? Furthermore, what will James think if you tell him about an encounter like this?

Imagining his rage, you push the man in front of you off you, or at least you try. He doesn’t react, he only hugs you tighter.

He mumbles something along the lines ‘missed you’ in your neck, kissing you there.

It feels nice, it really does. But it also makes you realize that you should’ve pushed him away way earlier. You push against his chest with your palm, a little harder this time, but he still doesn’t budge.  
“Please”, you beg, your voice slightly trembling.

He freezes again, but this time you can _feel_ his muscles tense and his jaw clenching. He removes himself instantly, coming to stand about ten centimeters in front of me. You feel… strange with him not holding you, but you decide to blame the lack on intimate contact you’ve had for a while.

“(y/n), it’s me”, he says matter-of-factly. As if that would make you understand who he is. As if that would make him crush me alright. As if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“I don’t know who you are”, you answer truthfully, “I’m sorry, maybe you’ve mistaken me?”

His expression falters for a second, a look of pure confusion apparent, before it’s gone.

“(y/n), I need you to come with me.”  
Okay, you might be naïve but not to that extent.

“I’m not going anywhere with you. I’m sorry, if you don’t want to buy anything, then please leave right now. I’m going to head home right now.”

You swear you see him flinch at the last part.

He touches his pants frantically, before he mutters a ‘dammit, left it in the car’. At least you think that’s what he said. Something along the lines of it.

The man turns his head to the right, then to the left, and you can see the wheels spinning in his head.

“A coffee please, black.”

“Sure, will be right up. To go, alright? I don’t mean to be impolite, but I do feel uncomfortable right now.”

He sighs and nods, before you turn around, making your way to the kitchen. Before you reach the door, you hear a ‘I’m really sorry about this, (y/n)’ and then everything is black.

 

 

 

Jess’s POV

 

“Say that again.”

“I found her.”

I’m still frozen in place, clutching the phone tightly. This can’t be.

“If you are fucking with me, Dean, I am going to end you. This is not funny”, I tell him seriously, afraid of feeling that kind of hurt again.

I hear him sigh at the end of the other line. “You know I wouldn’t joke about that.”

“But she’s dead! I’ve seen her corpse”, I wince, trying to suppress the memories, “We watched her body burn.”  
_Watching the flames slowly engulfing (y/n)’s body, I realize that this is it. The smell of burned flesh makes it way up to my nose and I want to puke. I want to run away and hide and never come back. But I can’t._

_I am ripped out of my thought by Dean groaning in pain. In a matter of second, he falls forward onto his knees, as if his power was just cut. Maybe that’s exactly what happened. He clears his throat as tears fall rapidly down his face, his eyes bloodshot and his face pale from sleepless nights, the memory of the death obviously replaying over in his head._

_“Dean?”, Sam asks next to me, snapping Dean out of his thoughts._

_Slowly Dean turns towards his brother, his body weak from heartache._

_“She’s gone Sam”, Dean chokes, trying to stop more tears flowing._

_Before Sam has the chance to answer anything to that, I strut over to my brother-in-law and pull him into a tight hug, trying to comfort him, as Dean continues to let his tears fall. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him as vulnerable as right now. Broken. That’s the word I’d used to describe him. He was broken when he returned from hell, he was broken when he thought he lost Sam. But I’ve never seem him so utterly shattered. His body is wrecked by sobs and he clutches me back tightly, mumbling something I don’t understand._

_It’s not until much later that I realize I’m crying, too._

_Good thing we didn’t let the kids see that one, I think, not able to look at the flames for one more second. Let alone the heat is making it hard to breathe._

_I can’t wrap my head around my best friend’s death. It feels too surreal, too soon. So, I cry. I cry until it’s physically not possible for me anymore._

“Don’t you think I know that?”, he hisses.

“How can you be so sure then that it’s her?”, I ask, my voice shaken. I try to concentrate on anything. The wall in front of me. The picture Lilly drew me a while back that’s hung on the refrigerator.

“She reacted to her name… and… fuck, it’s her. I’m gonna send you a picture of her.”

And truly, a handful of seconds there’s a picture from Dean that shows (y/n) laying in the front seat, obviously asleep. Or knocked out, as far as I know. Dean really knows how to make a first impression. Then and now.

Suppressing a whine, I decide to stop thinking about the past, as it’s only gonna hurt me.

“Oh, that’s her.”

“I know.”

I think about the whole situation a while, not able to wrap my head around what’s going on.  
“Did you test her?”, I ask finally.

The silence that follows is enough.

“Dean, you have to test whatever is sitting right next to you. It’s probably not (y/n). Probably a shapeshifter.”  
“I know”, he answers, his voice stern and deep, “But it’s so good to see her, to hold her. I need it just a while longer. Just her presence.”

Before I have the chance to interrupt, he goes on: “As soon as I know it’s a monster, I’m gonna kill it – I have to. Just give me some time to mentally prepare myself. I can’t kill someone that looks like her. Especially not right now.”  
“I understand.”

“Where should I go?”

The question surprises me and at first, I just ‘hm?’.

“I can’t bring her home”, he states.

I suppress the urge to tell him that it might not be her, because I’m sure he’s painfully aware of that.

“No, you can’t”, I agree.

“Can you meet me at a motel? You and Sam, please”, he begs.

“And who is supposed to look after the kids? Dean, be reasonable.”

“Then it’s just gonna be the both of us. I’ll ask Sam to watch the kids. I really need you hear for this.”

I let the thought of joining him wander through my mind for a bit, before answering: “Alright, I’ll come. But when it’s a monster and it comes to killing it, I’m not gonna be the one to do it.”  
“Well, I guess we’re just gonna push it down the cliff or something like that”, he tries to joke, and I have to roll my eyes. Typical Dean, trying to mask his pain with bad jokes.

“Where are we going to meet?”, I ask him, “And I’m only gonna get driving once I see Sam watching the kids.”  
“Holster-Motel, alright? The one where we were five years ago on Sam’s birthday.”

“Alright. See you there.”  


 

 

My mind is going way too fast, thinking about all the possibilities of what’s to happen. It’s only when the bell goes, that I feel myself relax slightly. Sam is here. He’s gonna take over babysitter duties. No way I’d let Olivia take care of that. I doubt she can tell the difference from a doll and a real-life baby.

I take big steps towards the door and once I open it, am faced with Sam.

He smiles lightly, just enough to let me know it’s partly out of sympathy.

I’m about to open my mouth to tell him thanks, that I’m getting going, when I find myself clutching him tightly, the sobs not contained by my mouth.

“I-I can’t…”, I mutter in between sobs, not able to let him go. He lays his arms around my shoulders, holding me close.

“I know b- Jess”, he tells me soothingly.

“I can’t lose her again”, I explain once I’m able to calm myself, still embracing him, “And I can’t have false hope. I was in a good place. I’m gonna have to start again now.”  
I feel the tears reemerging and he probably does as well, since he’s pressing me more towards him, one hand around my back and the other in my hair.

“You are going to be alright”, he tells me, and it does sound convinced. I don’t know where he takes that from.

It’s silent after that and I lose track of time. Could’ve been five minutes I laid in his arms, could’ve been five hours. To be honest, I don’t care.

“I should really get going”, I tell him after a while, “Get this over with.”

Slowly I retreat myself and am shocked with the sight in front of me.

For starters his white shirt is tear-strained. Furthermore, he’s dressed fancy. A white Shirt, a black jacket over it and his dark blue jeans. The good ones. All in all, really fancy. _Date-fancy._

Oh god, no.

“Did you have plans tonight?”, I try to make my voice sound as uninflected as I can manage, but I can’t stop the slight crack towards the end of the question.

“Nothing I couldn’t cancel.” Sam smiles and I’m blushing. Until I remember what we’re talking about.

“Did you have a date?”, the words leave my mouth before I have the chance to stop them.

He looks uncomfortable, which is answer enough. But I want him to say it. I _need_ him to say it.

“Yes, I did.”

He opens his mouth to add something, an excuse or an explanation probably, but I just raise my hand, gesturing for him to keep quiet. I don’t need to hear any excuses. It’s his decision. He can do whatever the hell he wants to. I’m not going to stop him. I can’t.

Well, in fact, I want to scream at him right now. Ask him what the _hell_ he is thinking and _who_ the hell the thinks he is, because I’m still broken up, barely able to pick up the pieces, when he’s already moved on? And he doesn’t even have the decency to ask me beforehand? There are about a thousand things I want to scream. But I keep quiet, because I fear I might ridicule myself, because I doubt he even cares. But most of all, because it’s easier this way and I’m done fighting.

“Oh, hope delaying it wasn’t much of an act”, I almost choke on my words, but I know that it’s what I’m supposed to say. And I can’t deal with another disaster right now. Firstly, I need to concentrate on the whole (y/n)-fiasco.

“I’ll get going, then...”, I trail off, while moving past him.

I take big steps, trying to get away as soon as humanly possible.

“Jess?”

Out of reflex, I turn around and curse myself for it instantly. I should’ve just walked away, just like he did.

“I’m sorry.”

I’m tempted to ask about what exactly, when he gives me a sad smile and I realize that I already know.

 

 

 

Once I get to the motel, all my mental prep is gone out the window.

But before I get the chance to decide against going on, just staying in my car, I see Dean emerging from one of the rooms, looking over the parking lot and spotting my car. Without thinking, he waves me over to him, his expression stern.

I look at myself in the rearview mirror and deem myself as ready. Now or never, I guess.

Getting out of the car is like getting out of a safe-zone and suddenly I’m aware of my surroundings, every little sound and every light flicker that might be a threat. Hunters’ instincts.

Reaching Dean, he nods shortly, his usual greeting.

“She’s still not awake”, he tells me, seeming worried.

“How hard did you hit her?”, I ask, smiling, “She’s been out for ten hours now.”  
“Not that hard, I’d say.”

He shrugs and scratches the back of his neck and honestly, it’s adorable.

“Did you know Sammy had a date?”, the question escapes my mouth too quick to take it back.

He visibly gulps. Yes, he did.

“It’s not my place to tell you. By the way, why are you still so mad about it? I mean, he’s babysitting instead of spending time with that Tanya.”  
“Oh, so she does have a name”, I snort, and he gives me a bitch face, “How do you even know I’m still mad at him?”  
“Well, you only call Sammy Sammy when you’re mad at him”, he states as if it were the most obvious fact.

“Do you know Tanya?”, I ask after a while and he flinches. Got him.

“Well…”

“Dean, you owe me.”  
“I do not!” he exclaims, “For what should I own you?”

“What about the first year after (y/n)’s death that I spent mostly taking care of _your_ kids, making sure they’re still getting into all the right schools and courses.”

“Fine”, he groans, “But you haven’t heard this from me, alright?”

I nod eagerly, not caring about who tells me what. I simply want to know.

“She works in the law firm Sam is employed at. She’s been making moves on him for years now, but he’s always declined, telling her that he’s married. But now she heard of your separation and took her chance. And he said yes.”

“We’re still married”, I state, and he looks confused, which is why I explain: “You said he declined and told her we’re married. We still are.”

The look he gives me tells me everything I need to know.

“ _No._ ”

That bastard is planning to divorce me. Working in a law firm, he’s probably already on the papers.

“That _fucking bastard!_ ”, I can’t contain my wrath any longer, feeling the need to kick something. Or rather someone. Or two someones.

I look at Dean, who raises his hands in defense: “Hey, don’t shoot the messenger. I told him to let it be.”  
“Oh, excuse me, but I find it very hard to believe that the infamous ladies’ man Dean Winchester would disadvise anyone from having sex.”  
“Well, you better believe it, Jess, because if I’ve learned one thing these past few years, it’s that if you love someone, you should give everything to be with them. Consequences be damned. I spent so much time trying to convince myself I didn’t want to be with (y/n) and she spent so much time pushing me away, because we were both afraid to hurt each other. Then we danced around the topic for forever, just because we were afraid. Until we finally said _fuck it_ and just went for it. Let me tell you, that was the best time of my life. And we could’ve had so much more if we hadn’t been so upright about it.”

He glances at the room behind us and I’m sure we both think the same thing. We want it to be (y/n), but we know that’s impossible.

“And if she still were alive, I’d fight for us. Because you can lose people in an instant. So, if you want to be together, get your shit together. Tell him exactly how you feel, don’t sugarcoat it. In fact, don’t let anything out. Because that’s the only way to guarantee you tried everything. And trust me, you’re going to hate yourself if you didn’t try every last opportunity.”  
There’s an underlying sadness in his voice, but when he looks at me with that _look_ , I know he doesn’t want to talk about it. So, I don’t.

“Dean?”

He looks at me again, breaking his gaze on the room. His eyes are bloodshot.

“We’re gonna get through this.”

His next words sound so broken, that I almost feel my heart shattering.

“I just can’t lose her again.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!  
> I know I've been inactive for quite a while, sorry about that - with starting college, a lot of drama in my love life & having the biggest writer's block ever, I just wasn't able to write/ post anything.  
> As always, not beta'd and english is still not my first language, take it easy on me.  
> Love you and thanks for the support, K


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